Recovery

Maybe deep down I knew the outcome would be bad. I had talked myself in and out of the surgery at least a dozen times. Maybe if I hadn’t done it, I wouldn’t know, and I would be running today.

My outcome was not what I wanted to hear. He couldn’t do the lateral release because of the surface damage that was there. It would have made my ITB much worse. He could only clean up the frayed edges and smooth the cartilage as best as he could. When I awoke from anesthesia he told me that my knee was “really messed up” and that running wouldn’t be an option anymore. He told Chief that I had the knee of someone twice my age and I would need a knee replacement in the future. He told Chief that I am not a candidate now because I am young. He wants me to get 15 years out of this knee. In 15 years I will be 52. Why can’t I run this knee out and just get the darn replacement in my 40’s? Okay, I know the answers and it isn't fair. Am I supposed to just wait? Am I supposed to not enjoy my life in my 30's? I am supposed to preserve this knee so that I can enjoy my life in my 50's and 60's. What about now?

I have not accepted this yet. I have not been able to see me not running or not even attempting to run. I have considered power walking but that lasted for about 5 minutes. I just bought new shoes and winter running clothes. I just ran an awesome 10K! Everything was so good when I ran. It was my release. It was my therapy. It made me happy. I am scared that I will get back into bad habits of food being my comfort. I let it comfort me for the past few days but my body wants to work out now. I am trying to keep my chin up. I am trying not to dwell on this until I know more at my appointment tomorrow. I am still hoping.

A good friend just called me. She is also a nurse, very logical and brutally honest. I know she is right. I know I need to step up, get over this, and find new challenges. I know I only have one body and one shot at this life. I just need to figure things out.