I'll Have a Blue Christmas

Right now we should be at my mom’s house celebrating Christmas with my family. We didn’t leave yesterday because of the dense fog and fear of our basement flooding when the rain came. At 4:30am our fear became reality as Chief went downstairs and had to suck up water with the shop-vac. The water had got from the front of our basement to the middle. He got to it just before it got to our carpeting and furniture. Looking out of our windows there is a river going down our driveway. With the temperatures in the 60’s and the rain coming we have very little snow left outside.

Needless to say, I was not so happy this morning. I was so hurt that Chief couldn’t go with me to Wisconsin and for some weird reason I was really, really, mad at him. I know it is not his fault that the basement gets wet. I know it wasn’t his fault that it was warm and raining. I guess I thought he would understand how upset I was and somehow could have done or said something to make me feel better. I cried most of the morning and talked to my mom several times. Chief ran out to the post office and informed me that there were some streets closed near our house.

What was I going to do? Sit here while Chief sat in the basement watching TV and sucked up water every 15 minutes? Should I try to get home for Christmas? The weather guy keeps saying that the worst is coming and that tonight a cold front is coming through and the water will change to ice! Great, maybe I could make it up there but could I make it home?

Lately, I have been reminding myself that life is making choices. So, I could stay home and be miserable or spend Christmas with my family. Upon my own advice I decided to try to head up to Two Rivers alone. I decided I would drive up, have dinner, and exchange gifts and head back to Illinois hoping to be home by midnight. I showered, put on a cute Christmas top, loaded the car, and headed for the toll-way. On my way to the toll way the first street I needed to drive on was closed due to flooding. I guess Chief wasn’t exaggerating. I finally got to I-88 and there were lower areas that definitely had too much water so the far right lane was closed. Okay, I then get on the ramp to I 294. Other than the pouring rain and occasional thunder all seems okay. I am driving along and I hit a pothole. Oh, there are so many potholes. I called Chief to tell him that there were a lot of potholes and I was concerned about not being able to see them on my way home tonight. He didn’t offer me much suggestion other than to say the toll way is pretty well lit. Well, it is not dark out and I just hit one! Then a minivan hits one, swerves, and cuts across all lanes to pull over. His left back tire was completely flat. Okay, now I am getting worried. I didn’t bring any extra clothes or shoes. What if something happens? I am driving along and all I can see or seem to focus on is the damn potholes. Then I counted 4 cars that were pulled over and changing flat tires. So, I called Chief again and decided to just come back home.

My mom wasn’t home so I called my sister Jodi. I was crying and she was trying to console me. My mom called me back too and said she felt better that I was going to be safe. I was a total wreck! Nothing left to do but drive back to my house.

Coming back home would be tough because on my way past the airport I noticed that the southbound traffic was totally stopped. So, I exited in a north suburb headed west and picked up I-53 to I-355. Then the rain came. It was raining so hard you couldn’t see anything in front of you. There were some potholes but not nearly as bad as I-294. I eventually made it home. Chief was on the couch and I quickly asked him why he wasn’t in the basement sucking up water. He said it had slowed down a while ago. I was mad! Well, then the rain came and he went downstairs and hasn’t come up since. I hear the shop vac sucking up water about every 15 minutes or whenever there is a commercial on TV. He said he has emptied the 16-gallon container 6 times in 12 hours. So, we will spend the rest of our evening probably on different levels of the house not talking much. By the way, I am appreciative that he is tending to the water issue. I just am mad at the situation and the timing of it all.

I made chocolate covered peanut butter balls out of boredom and self-pity. Maybe that will cure me my broken spirit. All I have done today was cry, drive to nowhere, and make candy. Not one of my better days.

My family should all be at my mom’s house by now. I wish we were there. I thought I would share some pictures of Christmas 2004, 2005,and 2006. You can see why I miss them so.

Merry Christmas

Our families live in Wisconsin and since I worked on Christmas Eve and we both work tomorrow we decided to stay here for Christmas. Yesterday, I went to work and we saw patients until 12:00pm. It can be so frustrating being a nurse. Our office has openings for “sick calls”. Basically if you are sick or have an acute issue we can get you in to be evaluated by the doctor on the same day you call. This does not apply for chest pain/shortness of breath or trauma such as injuries with bones sticking out or if you shoot your eye out with a Red Ryder BB gun (you get my drift). Those are emergencies and those people need to go to the ER. Our physicians don’t typically just write out prescriptions for antibiotics. If you think you are that sick that you need one, we want you to be seen. That being said, on more than one occasion, I was screamed at, hung up on, and told to have a “Merry Christmas” in a not so “merry” way. Apparently, people are too busy and too sick to come and see the doctor. They just want antibiotics, muscle relaxants, narcotics, and hypnotics and really can’t understand what the big deal is with just calling in these medications. You can tell that I had a lovely morning.

Chief went running with TL and then he helped the neighborhood make 800 luminaries and then distributed them down our block. He said that there were 8 “crews” in all so that the whole surrounding neighborhood around Randall Park made and put out something like 6000 of these things. Later last night we went out to Giordano’s for pizza. Giordano’s was very busy. They had every booth filled and people coming in and picking up for carry out. I think this will be a new tradition for us. This morning Chief and TL ran again. Did I mention they are training for the Illinois Marathon in April? Their running schedule is messed up this week. He ran three days in a row! I bet he will be glad to get back to his Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday schedule. Besides running he has been doing double dog walking. I am usually in charge of morning walks but because of the cold and ice he has taken over for a while. I am so afraid of falling (broke arm exactly one year ago when I slipped). After showering we took a road trip to Dunk’n Donuts for bagels and coffee. It is so icy and cold. We have had some crap weather so far this winter. Snow, ice pellets, rain and now our driveway is a frozen river. I heard that we are going to warm up, get rain, and potential flooding. This makes me worried because there is a chance we won’t get to Two Rivers on Saturday.

Santa came for the boys. They are so funny when they unwrap presents. Chief and I just giggle. Dusty takes off the tiniest pieces. It takes him forever to open a gift. JJ is a pro at this. Santa was sneaky and wrapped some of their old toys. The boys would take out the old toy and keep pulling at the paper because they knew something else had to be in there. After Christmas pictures, every one found a spot (even Chief) to curl up and take a nap.

We made a ham and all the fixings for Christmas dinner. For the rest of the evening, I plan on opening a bottle of wine and will need to finish gift-wrapping for Saturday’s Christmas at my mom’s. We have a movie to watch that we rented from Blockbuster’s called “Joyeoux Noel”. It is supposed to be very good and is about Christmas Eve in 1914 on a WWI battlefield. It was a quiet and lazy Christmas Day at our house and this evening will be the same. We will need all of our energy because Christmas in Wisconsin is still coming.

We hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas!

How am I doing?

I get this question a few times a day. I am doing all right. I am working on my poor attitude and I am trying not to be so pissed off or depressed. Being mad and sad has put my diet on hold for now. I have been eating whatever I want and feeling guilty about this too. I am trying to be better and I will work harder on this after Christmas. I might as well enjoy Christmas treats this year. I have no idea of how much weight I gained. I know my jeans still fit. They just aren't as loose at they were before. I don’t like wearing belts anyway. I really don’t want to know how much I weigh so I refuse to step on that scale until December 29th (the day I can start to work out again). Really I don’t need to be anymore upset right now.

I have come to the understanding that if I don’t continue to exercise I will get fatter and that will hurt my knees worse than running on them. I have come to understand that I don’t like the stuff I have been eating. I felt much better on a healthy diet and daily workouts. I am really sick of being sedentary. I miss working out. I am so tired since the surgery. The good new is that it is only 10 more days until I can try to swim! I have been researching beginner swim workouts and I found one that is called “From zero to one mile”. I am excited to get in the pool. It is good for me to have a plan.

So, I can’t run but I can walk, swim, spin, and be active. I can control my weight by making good choices. That is what it comes down to choices. So, I choose to be happy and healthy. I am choosing not to dwell on the outcome but rather on what I can become.

Seriously…I am doing okay.

Healing

I went to my appointment ready to protest (I wore my New Balance "I Run" t-shirt). He went right to the point, explained every arthroscopy picture, showed me how extensive the damage was, and with that being said I have to accept that running is not an option. There I said it...my option is not to run. Not ever. My knee is indeed very messed up. If I weren’t 37 Dr. E would have scheduled a total knee replacement tomorrow. I am a canidate for total knee replacement. That is so hard to hear and harder for me to understand.

My scope showed a lot of damage. I have bad arthritis – bone on bone throughout my knee. Mostly on the femoral and medial sides, and some lateral. There were some problems at the tibia but not as bad as the rest of my knee. I had frayed cartilage and floating pieces. I have erosion. He did a lot of cleaning and smoothing stuff out but the damage is done. He can’t fix bone on bone wearing. I asked him if I can’t have a TKR now when will I? How will I know when it can’t wait any longer? The best answer is that when I can’t walk, stand, and do activities of daily living with out pain. That’s what I have to look forward to. That was hard to hear. It’s hard to think about what will be. It should be enough for me to suck it up and figure out what to do instead of running. I asked about other activities. The best things are swimming and spinning. No stair climbing, no squats, no lunges, and elliptical is even in question. I have to keep the weight down. Dr. E hopes I can make this knee hold out until I am 50. For now my job is to rest, ice and elevate. In a few weeks I can swim. In 2-4 weeks I might be able to hop on my trainer. In 4-6 weeks I can try elliptical but if swelling or pain that will need to be crossed off my list. In 1 month I will follow up with Dr. E and we will see how things are doing.

My pain was fairly under control. I have not taken any narcotics! I am super proud about this. I have needed Ibuprofen and it seems to take the edge off the pain. I have calf tenderness. If this doesn’t improve in the next few days I need to get an ultrasound to be sure I don’t have a blood clot. I don’t think I do but I was honest when I reported that the calf pain at times is worse than the surgery pain.

I went to work today. I wish I hadn’t. Dr. E didn’t want me to go back until Monday. But I am tough and bored so I begged Dr. E to let me go in today and I promised I would sit at my desk and just call patients with results. I ended up with pain, swelling, and hurt feelings because I left 20 minutes early and I didn’t even make it for four hours. What happened? I was feeling so great at home. Why did I swell? Why did my calf pain get worse? Why was it hurting? I swear I was good. I just sat at a phone with ice on my knee. I called his nurse on the way home and she said no more work until Monday. She faxed me a note excusing me from work for the rest of the week. I will wait and see what tomorrow brings. I want to be this tough girl and prove to me and everyone else that I can take this. If I go to work I am keeping my mind busy. I don't want to think about me anymore. My nurse said trying to work when I shouldn't wouldn’t help me heal. Being tougher than I need to be won’t help me. I need to heal.

Recovery

Maybe deep down I knew the outcome would be bad. I had talked myself in and out of the surgery at least a dozen times. Maybe if I hadn’t done it, I wouldn’t know, and I would be running today.

My outcome was not what I wanted to hear. He couldn’t do the lateral release because of the surface damage that was there. It would have made my ITB much worse. He could only clean up the frayed edges and smooth the cartilage as best as he could. When I awoke from anesthesia he told me that my knee was “really messed up” and that running wouldn’t be an option anymore. He told Chief that I had the knee of someone twice my age and I would need a knee replacement in the future. He told Chief that I am not a candidate now because I am young. He wants me to get 15 years out of this knee. In 15 years I will be 52. Why can’t I run this knee out and just get the darn replacement in my 40’s? Okay, I know the answers and it isn't fair. Am I supposed to just wait? Am I supposed to not enjoy my life in my 30's? I am supposed to preserve this knee so that I can enjoy my life in my 50's and 60's. What about now?

I have not accepted this yet. I have not been able to see me not running or not even attempting to run. I have considered power walking but that lasted for about 5 minutes. I just bought new shoes and winter running clothes. I just ran an awesome 10K! Everything was so good when I ran. It was my release. It was my therapy. It made me happy. I am scared that I will get back into bad habits of food being my comfort. I let it comfort me for the past few days but my body wants to work out now. I am trying to keep my chin up. I am trying not to dwell on this until I know more at my appointment tomorrow. I am still hoping.

A good friend just called me. She is also a nurse, very logical and brutally honest. I know she is right. I know I need to step up, get over this, and find new challenges. I know I only have one body and one shot at this life. I just need to figure things out.

All About JJ

Five years ago, Chief and I started talking about getting a dog. We agreed that we wanted to adopt or rescue since there are so many that need good families to join. So we started our search at one of the local humane societies and we basically were told that we couldn’t own a dog because we both worked full time. I was heart-broken. Because we worked, they judged us as being incapable of taking care and loving our dog! Chief decided to look at the Australian Shepherd Rescue Group. He had an Aussie in his college years and she was a very nice dog. We looked at their website and filled out an application. Next, there was a telephone interview and finally they called us with two possible choices that seemed like a good fit for us. We were interested in a one-year-old dog named Journey. He was a small tri-colored beautiful boy with very good house manners. He was good with cats, kids, and he liked horses. We were told that Journey was given up because they wanted him to do agility and was diagnosed to have seizures. They did not want to invest the time into him with the medical condition. Fortunately, his foster mom’s dad is a veterinarian and worked him up and found no evidence of seizure disorder. We think he was given up because he is not very coordinated.

On December 6th, 2003 Journey was to come to our house to meet us in person. The rescue group prefers this because they can observe our surroundings and us while we interact with the dog. He came up the front steps and when Chief opened the door he let out a few barks. We told his foster mom that we were comfortable with him roaming the house. I showed Journey around. He particularly liked the long and low to the ground windows we have in the hallway. It was great for him to look out and see the neighborhood. He went upstairs to check out our bedroom. He seemed to be okay with the house. We were told that he was shy around men. Well, within five minutes of being petted on the floor by Chief and I he was on his back getting his belly rubbed. It was then that his foster mom said that if we would like to adopt him she would be happy to consent. It must be hard to be a foster mom. She gave him a goodbye hug. I could tell she would miss him.

The first night was rough. Journey cried in his crate and I wanted to get him out. Chief is good for me. He is the reasonable one in our relationship. Eventually, he did go to sleep. By the way, he sleeps with us now! The next day was a Sunday. All three of us spent the day getting use to each other. We didn’t really like his name. It didn’t seem to fit him so we changed it to JJ. JJ didn’t know how to walk on a leash. He was a country boy turned city. Every house that we would pass he would want to walk up to the front doors. He would pick up everyone’s newspapers and carry them proudly. I am glad we are over that stage. Initially, we had other and bigger problems with him. The first is that he was very food aggressive. I couldn’t go near him when he ate. He would just growl and devour his kibble as fast as he could. To correct this, we hand fed him for a long time. It is rare when he acts like this but if he does, we do go back to hand feeding him. The other problem we had is that he hated me. Chief will say that I am exaggerating but JJ really didn’t like me. This was so hard for me because I really loved him and I was becoming afraid of him because of his almost continuous growling at me when Chief wasn’t around. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I was the one who had to kennel him before going to work. He was around 48 pounds when we got him and he was so stubborn about going in his kennel. There were days that I would actually have to pick him up. His only defense was to growl. Well, this progressed to growling when I looked at him or when I walked passed him. One day, Chief witnessed his lovely attitude and gave him a major correction. Chief worked with me and I worked with JJ. And yes, on occasion JJ will give me attitude but it is rare. I am so glad we got through those times.

There are so many stories to tell you. He eventually gained trust to have the house to himself. We found out that he was a very busy boy. Let me make a list of some of the things he got into: chewed the ends of our running shoe strings, chewed the kitchen cabinet corners, got locked into a bedroom and took all of the Kleenex out of its box, and my personal favorite moment…he chewed open a case of cherry cream soda, punctured one of the cans so that he was covered in evidence when we got home. Other things he has done that are note worthy: upon arriving to Pet Smart he jumped out of the car window before the car was in park, broke into his Rubbermaid kibble container and ate until he was bloated, tackled a kid in a snow suit, brought us a loaf of bread in the middle of the night, brought us hot dogs that were thawing on the counter, and brought us his bag of treats when we packed for vacation.

He despises rain, loud noises in the house, and the snow blower. Chief finds the last one strange because he doesn’t mind the lawn mower or the leaf blower. He is protective of our car and will “mean bark” if you approach the car. He loves toys, playing chase, tug, and ball. He will wake you up in the middle of the night to tell you to move so he can jump back in bed. He is not a fan of mornings. He and I both like to sleep in. He loves to eat and play in the snow. He really loves our neighbors and, thank God, their kids too. He has an Aussie girlfriend Maddie and his best bud is Roy. He is very social! He likes to mess with his brother Dusty and also likes to take naps with him. He likes to take naps with us too. He is inquisitive. He seems to have an “old soul”. He seems to really care what we are talking about. He is nosey. He has to inspect any bags that come into the house.

In 2006 he became ill. He would vomit daily and eventually would vomit up blood. He was in so much discomfort he stopped eating. Through an endoscopy and biopsy he was diagnosed with gastritis related to food allergy. He was put on medications and his food was changed to KO (Kangaroo and Oats). Through out the year, we would be in close contact with his vet. If he had flair up we would increase his medication. In May of 2007, JJ was very sick. He became toxic to one of his medication and almost died. This medication attacked his central nervous system. He became paralyzed and had tremors. He lost control of his body and body functions. He was rushed to VCA-Aurora animal hospital and we were told that the antidote was Valium and there was a chance we could get him back. We just couldn't lose him. I kept thanking God for the time we had with him. I got a phone call from Dr. Barnes (neurologist) that he made it though the night and was able to stand. He was wobbley but he was standing! JJ fought back and is 100% normal today.

Adopting JJ is the best thing that we ever did. He is our buddy. He is good to us and to his brother. I love his personality. I love that he wants to be near us and when he has had enough of us he goes up to bed or hangs out in his house (kennel). He is always trying to please us. He is easily corrected and remembers! He really is a good boy. He is our best friend. If Dusty could talk he would say his brother is the best! We are lucky to have our JJ.